


i'm lost and might be never found

by willannanan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, M/M, Sawamura Daichi is a Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:26:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29920995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willannanan/pseuds/willannanan
Summary: He can't leave his bed. He wishes the disgusting feeling of his hair and the grease hovering over his skin (how long has it been since he last showered? A couple days? A week?) was enough to get him up.But his limbs are heavy, weighed down like concrete, and he's so tired.He knows it's bad, knows he should call someone, anyone at this point, but his phone is lying on the bedside table, just out of reach from where he dropped it a couple days ago.A huff of air leaves his lips – it's the most he's moved today and even that small action was tiring in itself – and closes his eyes, pulling his duvet over him and letting the exhaustion settle back over his body.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	i'm lost and might be never found

**Author's Note:**

> be mindful of the tags, please keep yourself safe! i'm not sure if this is triggering or not so please let me know if i need to add a proper trigger warning at the beginning here
> 
> oh, also. i'm not trying to romanticise depression or mental health issues in any way, i just needed to vent a little and figured i'd post the result :)

If he had to pick one thing that was the worst part about it then it would be the greasy hair.

Granted, Daichi's hair isn't long enough for it to be a problem, not really. But the strands that do occasionally brush against his forehead make him cringe at the feeling and every time he shifts in bed (which isn't often) he can feel the grease when his head presses against his pillow.

It's awful. But he can't do anything about it.

Okay, no, that's not entirely true.

If he could get his ass out of bed then he could shower. If he wasn't so lazy and such a disaster then _maybe_ he could do something. But that's the problem.

He can't leave his bed. He wishes the disgusting feeling of his hair and the grease hovering over his skin (how long has it been since he last showered? A couple days? A week?) was enough to get him up.

But his limbs are heavy, weighed down like concrete, and he's _so tired_.

He knows it's bad, knows he should call someone, anyone at this point, but his phone is lying on the bedside table, just out of reach from where he dropped it a couple days ago.

A huff of air leaves his lips - it's the most he's moved today and even that small action was tiring in itself - and closes his eyes, pulling his duvet over him and letting the exhaustion settle deeper into his bones.

///

When Daichi next wakes, it's to a loud knock on his door. He doesn't get up, doesn't bother to do anything. If he's lucky, the person knocking will go away and he can go back to pretending he doesn't exist for a couple more hours.

Of course, luck isn't on his side at the moment.

He can hear the tell-tale squeak of his front door opening, padding feet wandering down his hallway and a soft call of "Daichi?" in a voice that is so familiar that it sends an ache through his chest and puts a lump in his throat.

The door to his bedroom creaks as it's pushed open - like it often does, he really needs to get around to fixing the hinges, another thing to add to the growing list of jobs he has to do - but Daichi doesn't bother turning towards the sound, just continues to lie in bed being useless as usual.

Soft hands run through his hair and if he had the energy he would cringe. He knows his hair is gross, it's greasy and he wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole. But here Kuroo was, carding his fingers through the gross strands with a softness that would've made Daichi cry if he wasn't currently an emotionless blob.

Realistically, he knows everything is happening right now. He knows Kuroo's there with him, he knows he looks like a mess. But it feels so far away and removed, like it's not really happening to him. Daichi feels like he's a person less and less, instead he's become a shamble of problems stacked one on top of the other in a poor imitation of a human being. Everything is fuzzy and hazy and feels just out of reach and he's _tired_.

The hand that's running through his hair leaves and Daichi tenses involuntarily. _This is it, he's going to leave, the one good thing you have is going to leave because you can't even take care of yourself, can't even-_

Amber eyes appear in front of him and he blinks, caught off guard.

"Hey there," Kuroo murmurs, his voice soft and eyes swimming with concern. One of his hands cups his boyfriend's face, thumb rubbing soft circles into his cheek. "I know you're not feeling good right now, but you'll feel better once you start moving again, so why don't you go to the kitchen table and I'll find you something to eat, alright?"

Daichi knows Kuroo's right, that he just needs someone to jump-start him into doing things. It won't fix everything but it's a start, and normally it's exactly what he needs. He nods, the action so small that he's afraid the other man missed it but when he looks up Kuroo is smiling so brightly that it causes his heart to catch in his throat for a second.

It's cold as he slides into the seat at the little table in the kitchen, leaning forward and resting his head on his folded arms. He watches, eyelids half shut, as Kuroo wanders about, searching though cupboards and shelves with a practiced ease that can only come from spending a lot of time in Daichi's apartment.

It's not fair.

He doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve Kuroo.

He's just... Kuroo's so good and kind - not to mention stunning - and Daichi... Well, he's not much of anything. He's barely a functioning adult, he's behind in all of his college studies, he hasn't turned up to volleyball practice in what must be over a week now. But Kuroo... Kuroo is dependable and lively, his very presence lights up a room. Tears prick at the corners of Daichi's eyes and he clenches his jaw in frustration. This is ridiculous, he shouldn't be crying right now! How pathetic is he to be nearly in tears-

A plate settles in front of his face and he startles upright into a sitting position. He sniffles a little and picks up the sandwich in front of him with a shaky hand, beginning to take small bites. He knows Kuroo's watching him and he doesn't want to disappoint his boyfriend but he only gets a couple of bites in before the nausea hits and he has to stop, pushing the plate away. His dark eyes stare at a spot on the table, tracing the worn surface so that he can avoid looking at Kuroo, sure the other is going to be mad at him.

Something drips onto the table below him and he blinks, hands reaching up to touch his cheeks only to pull away at how wet they are. He hadn't even realised he was crying.

Arms wrap around him from behind, the weight comforting and familiar, and he leans back into the firm hold as Kuroo rests his cheek on the shorter boy's head.

"I'm so proud of you." When Daichi tenses at that, Kuroo hugs him a little tighter. "I know you won't believe me right now, and that's okay, but I'm so proud of you."

They sit like that for a while, Daichi slumped back against Kuroo as the exhaustion hits again, somehow worse this time. Kuroo pulls back and moves so that Daichi can see him smile before wiping the remaining tears off of his boyfriend's cheeks.

"I'm gonna go run a bath, okay?"

Daichi nods and leans back down on the table with his head on his arms. Every so often he forces himself to take a bite out of his sandwich, not wanting Kuroo's work to go to waste. He's not hungry but he knows he needs to eat something, especially when he can't exactly remember the last time he ate.

By the time the taller man returns, Daichi is half asleep. He rouses slightly at the feeling of being pulled into familiar arms, resting his head on the warm chest he's held against. Before he can really process it, gentle hands have helped him out of his clothes and he's sitting in his bathtub, the water lapping against his skin.

It's warm and nice.

Kuroo washes him, massaging shampoo into his short hair and scratching gently at his scalp in a way that makes Daichi sigh at the pleasant feeling. He can feel himself coming back to reality bit by bit, everything more present and clear with each pass of Kuroo's hands, running over him with so much love and care.

Once Kuroo is satisfied he helps Daichi out of the bath, leaving him to get dressed in some clean clothes he had grabbed while the bath was running. The hoodie, Daichi notes, is one of Kuroo's. He doesn't smile - he's not sure he can yet - but his eyes shine a little brighter at the familiar smell that envelops him as he tugs it on.

He's barely finished changing when Kuroo reappears, pulling the shorter man into the living room and forcing him to sit on the sofa. He begins to towel-dry Daichi's hair, taking care not to be too harsh. Once he's done, he leaves - maybe to put the towel in the bathroom? - before returning and settling into the seat next to Daichi.

He can't help but smile softly when he notices the more alert look in Daichi's eyes and presses a soft kiss to the other's forehead.

"There you are," he mumbles, voice full of so much warmth and love that Daichi doesn't know what to do with himself.

Daichi wishes he could cry properly, wishes he could just weep until the ache in his chest and emptiness that seems to fill him up is drowned out. He can feel the burning in his eyes and the aching need for release. But nothing happens and his shoulders drop, defeated. There's a pit in his chest where he should be feeling something, anything, gaping wide and swallowing all emotion until all that is left is this. This mess of a person. It's exhausting and Daichi wants to show Kuroo that he cares, that he's helped so much and he's grateful, _of course_ Daichi's grateful, but it's taking all of his energy to not go to sleep there and then. He can't even offer up a half-assed smile and instead turns and leans forward until his forehead is pressed against Kuroo's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Tetsu," Daichi whispers, voice scratchy from disuse, and Kuroo tenses beneath him. He pulls back to look at Daichi, who is avoiding his gaze.

"Look at me." Kuroo caresses the other's face. When Daichi does look Kuroo smiles, but it's a little wobbly and sad. That's not good, Daichi doesn't want Kuroo to be sad. "You don't have to be sorry Dai, not for this. Never for this. You're always looking after everyone else, let someone look after you for once, okay?"

Daichi goes to protest but he can feel his resolve crumbling the more he looks at Kuroo's earnest face and instead offers up a nod. He shifts so that he's comfortably sat on Kuroo's lap and presses his head into the crook between Kuroo's neck and shoulder. The taller man just grunts a little at the added weight, before wrapping his arms securely around him.

"…love you, Tetsurou," he whispers.

"I love you too, so much." There's a pause and then, "You're gonna be okay. We'll figure this out."

Daichi hums in response. He's not okay, not now. But he's a little closer, a little more like a person. It's a start and that's just what he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i did these boys justice :)
> 
> as always kudos and comments are appreciated! please remember to take care of yourself and have a lovely day/night/week <3


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